Who Is Crazy/My Psychopharmacologist and I

DAN
Who's crazy, the husband or wife?
Who's crazy to live their whole life
Believing that somehow things aren't as bazaar as they are?

Who's crazy, the one who can't cope?
Or maybe, the one who'll still hope?
The one who sees doctors or the one who just waits in the car?

And I was a wild twenty-five,
And I loved a wife so alive.
But now I believe I would settle for one who can drive.

DR. MADDEN
...The round blue ones with food, but not with the oblong white ones.
The white ones with the round yellow ones, but not with the trapezoidal green ones.
Split the green ones into thirds with a tiny chisel, use a mortar and pestle to grind…

DIANA
My psychopharmacologist and I.
It's like an odd romance:
Intense and very intimate, we do our dance.

My psychopharmacologist and I.
Call it a lover's game.
He knows my deepest secrets.
I know his... name!

And though he'll never hold me
He'll always take my calls.
It's truly like he told me
Without a little lift, the ballerina falls.

CAST
Do doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.

DR. MADDEN
Goodman, Diana: Bipolar depressive with delusional episodes.
Sixteen year history of medication.
Adjustment after one week.

DIANA
I've got less anxiety but I have headaches, blurry vision, and I can't feel my toes.

CAST
Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh.

DR. MADDEN
So we'll try again. Eventually, we'll get it right.

DIANA
Not a very exact science, is it?

CAST
Zoloft and Paxil and Buspar and Xanex, Depacon, Chronaphin, Ambien, Prozac,
Ativan calms me when I see the bills.
These are a few of my favorite pills.

DIANA
Ooh, Thank you, doctor, Valium is my favorite color. How'd you know?

DR. MADDEN
Goodman, Diana: Second adjustment after three weeks.
Delusions less frequent, but depressive state worse.

DIANA
I'm nauseous and I'm constipated, completely lost my appetite and gained six pounds, which, you know, is just not fair.

CAST
May cause the following side effects, one or more:
Dizziness, drowsiness, sexual dysfunction,

GROUP 1
Headaches and tremors, nightmares and seizures.

GROUP 2
(unknown), constipation, nervous laughter, palpitations,

BOTH
Anxiousness, anger, exhaustion, insomnia, irritability,
Nausea, vomiting,

DIANA
Odd and alarming sexual feelings

CAST
OH! And one last thing:
Use may be fatal.
Use may be fatal.
Use may be fatal.

DR. MADDEN
Goodman, Diana: Third adjustment after five weeks.
Reports continue: mild anxiety and some lingering depression.

DIANA
I now can't feel my fingers or my toes. I sweat profusely for no reason.
Fortunately, I have absolutely no desire for sex.
Although, whether that's the medicine or the marriage is anybody's guess.

DR. MADDEN
I'm sure it's the medicine.

DIANA
Oh, thank you, that's very sweet, but my husband's waiting in the car.

DAN
Who's crazy, the one who's half gone?
Or maybe, the one who holds on?
Remembering when she was twenty, and brilliant and bold.
And I was so young, and so dumb.
And now I am old.

DAN
And she was wicked and wired.
The sex was simply inspired.
Now there's no sex, she's depressed
And me, I'm just tired, tired, tired, tired
Who’s crazy
The one who’s uncured
Or maybe the one who’s implored
The one who has treatment, or the one who just deals with the pain

DIANA
And though he'll never hold me
He'll always taken my calls
It's truly like he told me
Without a lift the ballerina falls.
My psychopharmacologist and I...
He’s at every sight I lie
Without you I die
My psychopharmacologist and I


DAN
They say love is blind...
But believe me, love is insane.

DR. MADDEN
Goodman, Diana: Seven weeks.

DIANA
I don't feel like myself. I mean, I don't feel anything.

DR. MADDEN
Hm. Patient stable.