Epic Rap Battle

Link: First off I wanna tell ya I enjoyed the pizza.
Well it really wasn't great, but it allowed me to meetcha.
I'd like your number,
But I'm not gonna leave a big tip to get it.

Rhett: That means he's cheap and pathetic and if ya date him you'll regret it.
23 percent from me communicates,
I'm generous, not desperate, and I can calculate.

Link: Is she supposed to be impressed?
Rhett: Well if you want a battle be my guest

Link: I'm a computer programmer and a cubical dweller.
I disabled SpellCheck cuz I'm a stellar speller.
When I write an email that includes an attachment,
I never hit "send" before I've attached it.

Rhett: Your job is a bore.
I keep it hard core.
Sellin' knives and insurance from door to door.
You're reflectin' on a water cooler conversation
I'm givin' an incredible knife demonstration.

Rhett: Can I interest you in some accidental death coverage?
Or a hard boiled egg slicer?
Link: I can change your computer wallpaper to a tropical beach scene.
Rhett: Egg slicer.

Link: I car pool
Cuz I'm environmentally sensitive
I pack a snorkel cuz I'm clever and so inventative.
Rhett: It's inventive, inventative isn't a word.
Link: Yeah i just inventated it, you just got served.

Rhett: Well when I car pool, I take a group of third graders.
On my way to work I teach 'em multiplication tables.
See I'm a role model, an example to the youth.
Link: Then why did this kid just tell me that one times one is two?

Link: At the gym people line up just to give me a spot.
All eyes on me when I'm poppin' a squat.
My career Plan B is to teach P.E.
The model on the machine is based on me.

Rhett: I've mastered the art of mental manipulation
Workin' every muscle group through meditation
This is me workin' out my triceps.
Pick up my DVD called "Mind Reps."

Link: My since of style, is sweet like syrup.
It's not uncommon for people to think I'm from Europe.
Rhett: I don't follow the trends, I'm a style pioneer
See this turtleneck, with a necklace? You'll be wearing this next year.

Rhett: Is that all you got?
Link: No.

Link: I see buttons, I just push 'em to see what they do
If something were to go wrong I'd just blame it on you.

Rhett: I'm quick-witted, I always know just what to say.
Link: Then say something clever.
Rhett: Uh, ok.

Link: I was offered a record deal while singin' at a karaoke bar
But I turned it down and became the president's karaokezar(?).
Rhett: I rescued a dolphin entangled in a tuna net
And donated it to an orphanage to keep as a pet.

Lnik: I gave the Heimlich to a horse chokin' on beef jerky.
Two hours later he won the Kentucky derby.

Rhett: I'm allergic to nothin'.
Link: I'm allergic to weakness.
Rhett: I embrace my weaknesses and call them uniquenesses.

Link: I can drive a stick shift.
Rhett: Well I can golf.
Lnik: Well I can make it look like my thumb is comin' off.

Rhett: I invented the Half Nelson.
Link: I invented the Full Nelson!
Rhett: I've got a signed picture of Boris Yeltsin.

Link: My uncle is a lawyer!
Rhett: I roll my own sushi!
Link: I use the metric system exclusively!

Rhett: I know Morris code!
Link: Well i can speak it:
bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop

Rhett: You just said that the square root of raspberry should be legalized.
Link: Exactly.