Keep it Gay

MAX:
Listen, Roger: did you get a chance yet to read Springtime for Hitler?

ROGER:
Read it? I devoured it! I for one, for instance, never realized that the Third Reich meant Germany.

MAX:
Yeah, how 'bout that? Then you'll do it?

ROGER:
Do it? Of course not.
The theatre's so obsessed
With dramas so depressed
It's hard to sell a ticket on Broadway
Shows should be more pretty
Shows should be more witty
Shows should be more...
What's the word?

LEO:
Gay?

ROGER:
Exactly!
No matter what you do on the stage
Keep it light, keep it bright, keep it gay!
Whether it's murder, mayhem or rage
Don't complain, it's a pain
Keep it gay!

CARMEN:
People want laughter when they see a show
The last thing they're after's a litany of woe

ROGER & CARMEN:
A happy ending will pep up your play...

ROGER:
Oedipus won't bomb...

CARMEN:
If he winds up with Mom!
Keep it gay!

ROGER:
Keep it gay...

ROGER & CARMEN:
Keep it gay!

MAX:
Couldn't agree with you more. And you have our blessings, Roger,
to make Springtime for Hitler just as gay as anyone could possibly want.
So, c'mon, do it for us, please.

ROGER:
No, sorry, Max, but it's simply not my cup of tea.
Still, fair is fair, perhaps I should ask my production team what they think.
This is my set designer, Bryan.

BRYAN:
Keep it glad, keep it mad, keep it gay!

ROGER:
And here's my costume designer, Kevin.

KEVIN:
Hello...
Keep it happy, keep it snappy, keep it gay!

BRYAN & KEVIN:
We're clever, creative
It's our job to see
That ev'rything's perfect for Mr. De Bris!

ROGER:
Next, Scott, my choreographer...

SCOTT:
Hi there...

ROGER:
And, ah, finally, last and least, my lighting designer, Shirley Markowitz.

SHIRLEY:
Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay

LEO:
I don't think we're getting to them, Max. What do we do now?

MAX:
Watch this. Roger, listen. I think that Springtime for Hitler
would be a marvelous opportunity for you. I mean, up to now,
you've always been associated with frivolous musicals.

ROGER:
You're right. I've often felt as though I've been throwing my life away
on silly little entertainments. Deopy showgirls in gooey gowns.
Two-three-kick-turn! Turn-turn-kick-turn!

CARMEN:
Oh, Roger.

ROGER:
It's enough to make you heave. Nonetheless, sorry, Max.
I just couldn't do Springtime for Hitler

MAX:
Why not? Think of the prestige.

ROGER:
No.

MAX:
Think of the respect.

ROGER:
No, no, no.
MAX:
Think of ... the Tony!

CARMEN & THE TEAM:
Tony...Tony...Tony...Tony...Tony!

ROGER:
Ngaaaaaahhhhh!
MAX:
What's the matter?

LEO:
Is he all right?

CARMEN:
He's having a stroke...

MAX & LEO:
What?

CARMEN:
...of genius!

ROGER:
I see it! I see it! At last. The chance to do something important!

CARMEN:
Roger de Bris presents History!

ROGER:
Of course that whole second act has to be rewritten. They're losing the war? Excuse me. It's too downbeat.

CARMEN:
Roger de Bris presents History!

ROGER:
But maybe...it's a wile idea, but it just might work...
I see a line of beautiful girls
Dressed as storm troopers, each one a gem
With leather boots and whips on their hips
It's risque, dare I say, S & M!

CARMEN & THE TEAM:
Love it!

ROGER:
I see German soldiers dancing through France
Played by chorus boys in very tight pants
And wait, there's more - they win the war!
And the dances they do will be daring and new
Turn-turn-kick-turn, turn-turn-kick-turn
One-two-three-kick-turn!
Keep it sassy, keep it classy, keep it...

MAX:
That is brilliant. Brilliant! Roger, I speak for Mr. Bloom and myself
when I sawy that you are the only man in the world who can do justice
to Springtime for Hitler. Will you do it, please?

LEO:
Please.

ROGER:
Wait a minute. This is a very big decision. It might effect the course of my entire life.
I shall have to think about it...I'll do it. I'll do it!
Sabu, champagne!

ROGER, CARMEN & THE TEAM:
If at the end you want them to cheer
Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay
Whether it's Hamlet, Othello or Lear
Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay

CARMEN:
Comedy's joyous, a constant delight
Dramas annoy us...

ROGER & CARMEN:
...and ruin our night.

ROGER, CARMEN & THE TEAM:
So keep your Strindbergs and Ibsens at bay...

ROGER:
I'll sign...

ALL:
Sign...

ROGER:
Roger Elizabeth De Bris!

ALL:
Keep it gay!!