The Ballad of Russell and Julie

A Ballad to Russell & Julie
Written by Jennie Fava

Julie and Russell sat one night
Russell sparked up a Marlborough Light
Julie's eyes were all ablaze
As Russell tried to shun her gaze

He knew that look. He knew the score.
It seemed more manic than before.
Russell cringed in fear and dread
As Julie pulled him near and said:

Lets do it! Lets do it,
I've had a really good idea.
We'll re-vamp
Make more camp
A sci-fi show from yester-year
I've had banter
With Tranter
Your written word will be hailed in the ming mong mantra.
Lets do it. Lets do it tonight.

But he said:
I can't do it. I can't do it.
You're asking far too much of me
I'm harassed
Embarrassed
I've watched the show since I was three.
Don't choose me.
Don't use me.
Me mother sent a note to say you must excuse me.
I can't do it. I can't do it tonight.

So she said:
Lets do it! Lets do it,
Make a brand new Doctor Who
We've got Chris in
All's missing
Is his sidekick and an all Welsh crew
It's not silly
To ask Billie
We'll film in every quarry from here to Caerphilly
Lets do it. Lets do it tonight.

But he said:
I can't do it. I can't do it.
The pressure of the BBC
Must email
Some young male
To alleviate the stress on me
Can't block out
Please lock out
Images of Johnny B getting his cock out
I can't do it. I can't do it tonight.

So she said
Lets do it! Lets do it,
Phil okayed my offer to produce


* We'll employ Trac
To take the flack
When he's giving cast and crew abuse
(When he lets his raging temper loose)
My decision
To use your vision
Will make this show the best thing on the television
Lets do it. Lets do it tonight.

But he said:
I can't do it. I can't do it.
Chris is giving up this role
No timelord
Oh god lord
How we gonna fill this hole?
Its too complex
We're all wrecks
My brain is overflowing with the bloody daleks
I can't do it. I can't do it tonight.

Lets do it! Lets do it,
We'll get another timelord in.
Don't sweat it
You can't let it
Make you sad and maudlin
It's not over
And moreover
We'll get that lovely fella from Casanova
Lets do it. Lets do it tonight.

I can't do it. I can't do it.
I really feel that I can't cope
More rewrites
No respite
I think I've given up all hope
It'll get canned
I'll be panned
Lou says there's no costumes in the whole of England
I can't do it. I can't do it tonight.

Lets do it! Lets do it,
Martha Jones is Freema Agymen


** We'll bring back
Captain Jack
To fight against the Cybermen
We'll cast a
Great Master
He can plunge the planet into global disaster
Lets do it. Lets do it tonight.

I can't do it. I can't do it.
You've cast Australia's pop princess
Its madness
My sadness
Will make this episode a mess
My panic
Is manic
The uproar when I kill her off on the Titanic
I can't do it. I can't do it tonight.

Lets do it! Lets do it,
The Doctor needs a brand new mate
Don't linger
Go ginger
I'm gonna bring back Catherine Tate
I wanna
You're gonna
Reunite the Doctor with the fabulous Donna
Lets do it. Lets do it tonight.

I can't do it. I can't do it.
I've got obsessed with E4's Skins
Writers block
Please don't mock
It takes my mind off other things
It's so lame
I must blame
Dirty thoughts I have about Midshipman Frame

* I can't do it. I can't do it tonight.

Lets do it! Lets do it,
To film abroad will get my vote
I promise
Ed Thomas
Can bring_Ancient Rome to Upper Boat
Its D-Day
In Pompei
The forums will be buzzing on Outpost Gallifery

** Lets do it. Lets do it tonight.

I can't do it. I can't do it.
The studio in Rome's ablaze
On fire
It's dire
How the hell are you not phased?
It's mental
Be gentle
They say the cause of fire was a Berkley Menthol
I can't do it. I can't do it tonight.

Lets do it! Lets do it,
We've got kids back behind settees
Our mission
Ambition
Was a show for all the family
We should try
As our goodbye
Plan a hassle free excursion to sunny Dubai


* Lets do it. Lets do it tonight.

Lets do it! Lets do it
I feel like I have been set free
Won't sweat it
Now Moffet
Is taking up the reigns from me
I can't wait
It's just great
I've got a cracking way for David to regenerate
We did it. We did it tonight!

They did it! They did it.
They opened up the Tardis door
They're terrific
Prolific
Made it better than it was before
A thank you
From your crew
We crown you both the king and queen of Doctor Who


* You did it. You did it tonight!!!